Day Drinking: A Definitive Guide for Most Things

Things you will need:

Daylight (Optional: See post “Drinking With UV Lights”)
Alcohol
Something good on Netflix (How I Met Your Mother, New Girl, Seinfeld, etc….)
Junk Food, lots and lots of junk food, and ice cream

Things you don’t necessarily need:

Shoes (unless outside… wear shoes outside)
Yoga Mat
Slacks
Conventional Oven
Sandals
Anything else except the things listed above in the “Things you will need” section

Ok, so you want to day drink.

Perfect, let’s get into it. There are two ways to do this: at home or out on the town. (Note: if out on the town, don’t drive… Very important)

At Home

Day drinking starts at 9 o’clock in the morning — don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, they’re wrong. First, prepare your house by pouring yourself a drink and drinking it. Go to the comfiest room with a TV and turn on your sitcom of choice.

Today is your day to have fun and relax. If you’ve finished your drink at this point, refill it. You may want to text your friends and see what they’re doing, but you’re not ready for that yet so don’t. You will eventually, but not now. Keep watching your show, or keep scrolling through Netflix.

Woops, forgot breakfast.

Go make breakfast, which in this case means vigorously rummaging through your fridge for left overs (cold pizza is delicious in this scenario.. if you don’t have one call a pizza place and ask them to deliver a pizza that has been cooked and then chilled.. let us know what happens in the comments section).

Eat breakfast and pour yourself another drink. Awesome, you’re doing great. Finish at least 2 and three quarters episodes of sitcom. Open the curtains (It’s dark in there). It’s time to embrace the daylight (if curtains were already open, finish your drink and pour another one.. you’re winning).

Ok.. you can text your friends now. (If it’s a weekday they might be working)

(you should text anyways)

Start with something simple like, “Hayyyy, you guys want to get into some day drinking?” Note: if you’ve already had as many drinks as this recipe suggested, check your text for misspellings… or don’t, you’re right — you’re perfect, just be you. Text everyone you know, except that guy John from accounting (don’t invite anybody from accounting).

While you’re waiting for replies, turn on the music and have a dance party. Pour yourself another drink, and tell yourself you’re beautiful and smart. You are smart. Finish your drink while chuckling to yourself about how smart you are.

Check your phone! Any texts yet? The following multiple choice guide will help you evaluate how to deal with them:

Situation 1: Everyone replied and it is looking like your home will soon become the scene of a raging house party.

Option A: Embrace it and toss away any feelings of anxiety. Pour another drink and try your best to clean up around the living room.

Option B: There isn’t enough frozen pizza in the fridge for everyone. You want that frozen pizza for yourself. It’s more of a pragmatic issue than a selfish one. Text everyone and tell them you were just kidding and that they shouldn’t come over.

If you chose option B, than turn your sitcom and enjoy your pizza. You’ve worked hard today you genius.

If you chose option A than you’re on your own… I’ve never chosen that one. Let me know how it goes in the comments section though.

Out on the Town

Leave your car behind. It’s time to embrace those shoe-barus (If you have a long ways to go till you reach your desired drinking spot, take a cab or have a friend give you a ride).

After you’ve reached your destination, hit the bars. IMPORTANT TIP: if you don’t want to lose your keys then take the key ring and loop it onto your belt loop. Trust us, looping stuff on your belt is cool. Bonus points for fanny pack storage.